Sometimes it really does feel like the grass is always greener. Normally on any given night you will find me sitting on my sofa, compiling online shopping baskets and lamenting my lonely state. “We never do anything,” I whimper, “If only we had friends to go out with in the week.” Sometimes these feelings of inertia become so overwhelming that I cry, wrapping myself up in bedsheets with crazy thoughts of how to drastically change my life for the better. Sometimes I find myself planning grand expeditions to move house or travel around South America, just to escape the never-ending boredom that is my life.
But not so much recently. Over the last month or so, life has been nothing short of non-stop. MA graduation, a trip to London, a week shoot in Barcelona and weekend trips to Prague and Liverpool, interspersed with social occasions and visits from friends and family in Amsterdam, have all hit in quick succession. Add that to the fact that my work days at the minute are pretty much 12 hours non-stop, and maybe you can see why I’m feeling a little out of breath. Of course, I am incredibly lucky to have here amazing adventures and opportunities, and I have really enjoyed and appreciated each of these things for what they are, don’t get me wrong. But over the weeks the lack of “me time” has left me feeling restless. I don’t know what date it is, where I am meant to be, what people expect from me. My chest aches slightly.
I just want to go the gym. I just want to sit and talk to nobody. I just want to binge watch Love Island, or read my book in bed.
So, why don’t you?
I have found myself getting increasingly frustrated at the people around me, because I simply feel that they are not listening to me. I’m telling them I am tired and stressed, why are they inviting me out for drinks? It’s clear I have too much to do, so why do they continue to ask for more? Even looking at this written down it’s obvious how irrational that logic is. Other people are not responsible for my peace of mind; I am. As angry as I might get at the unceasing expectations of other people, it is me who takes them so to heart and who never says no. It is me who chooses to go for drinks with friends after work instead of going the gym and relaxing at home. And not only that, but I do it in full knowledge of the consequences.
So I am taking a step back. Maybe not this week, maybe not even the week after, but I am working on saying no more and doing what I want to do, without worrying about letting people down or ending up in failure. And whether that means more whirlwind trips to European capitals or a weekend spent demolishing Malteasers on the sofa, I’m going to enjoy it.